still on (msnvwls) wrote,
still on

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On leaving

This past week marked the closing of another chapter in my life - one that was wrought with frustration, anger, and depression. Needless to say, I'm not the least bit sad to know it's behind me, and though I don't feel like those three emotions are anywhere close to being a thing of the past, at least I'll be dealing with them from a different locale. I completely fucked up this semester of college, and I'll end up paying the price for it soon enough. There is a huge, huge part of me that just wants to cut my losses and drop out, because I think I'd do a lot better if it was fight or flight - but that's not a decision I want to be forced to make on impulse. There's also that other part of me that doesn't ever shut up talking louder now than it normally does, but I know better than to talk about the "s" word here.

Wednesday night, I hung out with Jorge and Lee for the last time. I'm gonna miss those guys so bad; without them, I would have never, ever made it through this semester. They were the only two constant friends I had, and though they weren't always there when I needed them, they kept me from doing anything stupid. Well, besides skipping class. It really sucks to think I might not see them again for... a long time, but I'm getting kind of used to the idea of close friends leaving my life. Life isn't like a movie, it's more like a TV show - one that has to deal with serious cast overhauls every season. There's the characters you never want to see leave (I was going to put names in parentheses here, but anyone who reads this will know who I'm talking about), there's characters you never want to see again (my roommate), and there's those that don't really make a difference (every recurring character in my life, it seems).

I spent the final minutes in my room on Thursday playing Doom 2, getting frustrated in a style that was reminiscent of all of the events of the past few months. I turned in my keys and got in my car, , and I left Statesboro, hopefully never to return. It's sad to think that there is a place on Earth that fills me with such bad feelings that I become physically sick when I think about stepping foot back in the city limits. I may pass the exit one day on the interstate on my way to Savannah, but unless I, for some reason, decide to go back to visit old friends (and given the incredibly small amount of friends I made, this is highly unlikely), I will never, ever go back to Statesboro. Frankly, I don't care if the place falls off the face of the planet.

Yesterday was the typical day in Newnan - not a whole lot to do, but at least I had a welcoming bed to come home to. I saw The Chronicles of Narnia. It was okay - a little too awkward, unevenly paced, and cutesy for my taste, but enjoyable nonetheless. I can feel a rift growing between me and my permanent friends in this town. Maybe they resent my departure (which they shouldn't), and maybe I'm just imagining things, making everything out to be worse than it is. Maybe they were always this thoughtless, this casual about their insensitivity, but before I was never the one who had to deal with it. I like my old position a lot better. I like not having to worry about whether or not I have any friends at all. Right now, it feels like those 67 people on my LJ-list are all I've got.

Believe it or not, I actually have high hopes for this winter break. I have a full month off, and that should be plenty of time to get myself together. I have plans to see some people I haven't seen in a couple of years who'll be returning home for the break, and I'm very excited about that. I want to see Ivy again - it's been two months too many. I want a white Christmas. That may be asking a bit much, but I just want a good Christmas. I usually hate this holiday (don't believe in the divinity of Christmas/parents' divorce became final two days prior), but in my current state, I'm willing to accept it as a celebration of hope.

Please let this all turn out fine. I don't know if I can pull myself out of this by myself, and I certainly can't afford to fail. Maybe I don't deserve the best things in life, but I know I've gotta deserve better than this.
Tags: christmas, depression, fuck you, goodbyes, home, school, winter
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